Semi-Parmed in the Time of Corona

Coronavirus has got me fucked up.

I mean, I don’t have it or anything and to be completely frank, I actually enjoy this whole social distancing thing. For the first time in my life I feel like the government is actually serving me by telling everyone to stay six feet away. The more draconian the measure the more at ease I find myself.

All kidding aside (or am I?) this is some serious shit. Each day our mayor robocalls us letting us know how many new cases there are. Hundreds of people have died, thousands are sick, and this is really only the beginning. People are losing their jobs, is hemming and hawing over a relief package, and the President thinks we should be doing Easter Egg hunts.

Non-essential businesses are being shut down and thankfully that does not include the liquor stores. It’s not my quarantine if I can’t drink an endless variety of IPAs to it.

But this virus has got to go. It’s totally changed the way we grocery shop and not for the better.

I’m happy to report I’m good on toilet paper. I haven’t had to resort to the overbuying and hoarding that is all the rage these days. It’s all about being in the right place at the right time, buying a reasonable amount, and not being wasteful with it.

But this virus has got to go. I used to enjoy grocery shopping. I was always leisurely and contemplative in my weekly trip to purchase sustenance. Now I feel like I’m on an episode of Supermarket sweep replete with latex gloves and ineffective face masks. I’ve gotta be in and out, which is an adjustment, but I don’t want anyone coughing on me.

Even worse, I have to get creative. All the good stuff is wiped out. Meats are sparse. Non-perishables are picked through and all the desirable brands are gone by the time I get to them. This was my predicament when I went to my local Fresh Grocer (formerly known as the vastly superior Foodtown, this is some weird ShopRite subsidiary).

Look, I had a hankering for chicken parm, but due to our current material conditions this wasn’t gonna be grandmas chicken parm. Nope, this was going to be the semi-est semi-parmed meal I’d ever have to make in my life. It would be a challenge. A challenge I would accept. Coronavirus be damned, I would have my chicken parm, damn it!

First, I decided to go with store brand Angel Hair. 3 minutes to a perfect al dente? A price of 84 cents? SOLD!

Up next was the sauce. This was also 84 cents, what could possibly be bad about it?!?

Yeah, I know, I’m not making pizza, and I am generally not one to use provolone on anything other than a sandwich or an antipasto but they were all out of pure mozzarella. These are desperate times, after all.

Ok, I splurged on this. At $7.99 this was perhaps a little indulgent of me but there wasn’t much else in the way of chicken and I wanted at least one halfway decent quality product. Judge me.

I threw the sauce into a pan and let it simmer. I preheated the oven to, uhhh, let’s say 400 degrees. Then I got to work on the chicken patties.

Check out that social distancing!

I threw them into the oven for about 20 minutes or so, took them out, ladled some sauce on them, sprinkled some cheese, dusted them with some Italian seasoning, and drizzled with a little olive oil.

Back in the oven until the cheese melts. I don’t know, 5 or 10 minutes.

While I was waiting for that to finish I brought my water to a boil and took care of the angel hair.

I guess I could have just slopped it all on a plate but I’m very big on presentation. A little to big on it, maybe. Alas:

Come on, you know that looks good!

But how did it taste?

It was fine. The sauce tasted every bit of the 84 cents I spent on it. Wayyyyy too sweet. The chicken I should have pan fried before baking it in the oven, there was no crispness to it whatsoever. Taste-wise it was about the best you could for of a chicken patty and very moist. I melted that cheese perfectly, didn’t I?

We’re only a week into this social distancing stuff. Someone please help me. I’m afraid of whatever my next culinary creation might be.